Friday, 15 March 2013

The curse of indecision and fear of growing up.

So this is going to be personal, a little fluffy and moochy but hey that’s what blogs are for right?
I've always been one to change my mind and be somewhat fickle when it comes to passions, interests and more relevant to this post... career choices. There’s the urge to continue focusing on the subject I've been involved with for the past 3 years fighting with the urge to follow a different path after finding enjoyment in more creative ventures.
It would be a lie to say I am 100% pleased with the decision to go to university but a degree will no doubt be a useful attribute to have on a CV when eventually trying to find a job in a few months time. The last 6 months to a year though have at one time or another led to me feeling the lowest I've ever felt before and that has been the major contribution to thinking that perhaps I need to search alternative options and not just purely science careers. Not only that but it has confirmed that I definitely will not be doing full time education again ... ever.

The worst bit is that there isn’t even one thing I could point out that has fuelled this feeling of self-doubt and uncertainty, all I can hope is that whatever comes from it will be positive.
Struggling with final year seems to be a resonating emotion through many students, heaps of assignments with the added pressure of career choices, not to mention trying to have a resemblance of a social life!!
As previously mentioned I want to take this crappy heap of bad juju that I get from being in the uni situation and try as hard as I can to make it good. Whether that be relighting an interest in science or moving on to something utterly different it has given me the realisation that I’m young and as much as people have told me to go to uni and choose a career I have so much time to try things, none have to be permanent. How can people expect us to decide life decisions at such a young age and think we’ll still have the same passions and values a few years down the line? Everyone changes hugely between the ages of 17 (the age most of us feel we need to have a solid plan mapped out) and 21 (the age we actually will likely head into our first jobs) so I say why not have the opportunity to sample jobs?
Added to this is the push to go to university, there are so many options particularly now the prices have risen so much. There is far too much pressure to go and do further education after college and I feel for me if there had been other choices shown to me and had I been told that these are also okay then perhaps I wouldn't have chosen to continue to degree level. But that's not to say that university isn't good, for some people it's ideal and that's also great, this is simply my opinion from my experience here.

Having anaemia has meant the last year I have been constantly drained of energy and void of any kind of motivation, which kind of made me a little depressed and I found I was moody, snappy and becoming someone that I really didn't like very much. Now I’m going to work on getting that under wraps and get back to actually enjoying my hobbies and hopefully that will aid in my career hunt, focusing on me, earning some money, getting my own place and being happy in who I am and what I’m doing.
Writing all this out has helped to visualise the changes I want to make, perhaps not the easiest thing to do while I’m still at uni but that’ll end soon and I might as well do what I can now.
Also the thing I've really taken from all this, that I want to voice to anyone in the same position, is that life is always changing and if you want to stop what you’re doing and try something new, that’s fine you don’t have to be defined by one thing. Variety is awesome.

So I may grow older but, like Peter Pan himself, I refuse to grow up, in his playing pretend he gets to experience being so many different characters, and so that is my plan.